Diary start 02/11/2017
Today I entered the Gym’s biggest Loser contest…., almost like me flying the white flag of defeat…that I actually need help somehow, and finally…. How did I get here? How did I not know I was this overweight?
Background: Been a chubby, to lovely many times. It started at age 3… not lost the baby fat yet. Onwards to Elementary school.. not picked on the kickball team, or even sent over in Red Rover. I once got stuck in the mud in the playground because I only would play tether ball by myself.. sounds pitiful right? Well, then there was this one PE teacher who cared, taught us Disco Jump rope. It was cool. I liked it.. I tried out for the performance at the mall. My last name had an S, so when they copied the list my name had been copied off the bottom.. I was devastated. I barely spoke but, went to the teacher and told her I just knew I was picked for that,… at least. She went to the Gym and there was my name.. My big debut, in downtown St.Louis at the mall. Jumproping to LeFreak-by Chic.. My mother was to attend, but then couldn’t , I choked, I messed up once and left feeling energized but still sad. That was in the 5th grade. The days you were weighed in front of your classmates, I remember it well, I weighed 100lbs, much more than my 2 only friends Mary and LaTonya , but only a little less than 1 other girl and 1 other boy. Public school weight shame from the start.
One decision to move to another part of the city, gave this little girl hope. I was sad, yet relieved at the same time. I can start over, and maybe have some friends that did not already know my secret….. I was fat…am fat.. used to be fat.. will be fat…. the 6th grade started off fabulously, no one seemed to know I was fat, or they didn’t let me know that they knew at the time, that is what I convinced myself anyways.. I was walking down the hall, and I see a girl that I knew from my other school, Oh my.. is she going to tell my secret? She was a sweet person , maybe she won’t tell.
By the 7th grade I grew taller, a little more stretched out, but a chubby tummy, that’s when I was offered a pill that would give me energy and help me lose weight, that was the beginning of my addiction..Pink hearts..7/7/7.. Black beauty..Wow who knew? My weight loss could be ingested, no change in diet, except that I didn’t want to eat that much, living on ramen noodles, and my gourmet rice with mushrooms and soy sauce. This is where it gets blurry…8th grade..over the summer I could not find someone to buy pills from, so off to the drugstore I went.. at the time there were some great replacements, Dexatrim and Vivarin together was a great concoction.. I am not sure if I told my friends at the time or not? But again.. my fat needed to stay SECRET. While my friends were experimenting with drugs and alcohol, I thought I was pure still, not realizing I was taking drugs, just because you could buy them at Walgreens, did not mean they weren’t.
One of my friends who lived down the street was probably one of the most beautiful girls I knew, she was older than me, went to High School, she was your American Beauty model type, blonde, blue eyes, great figure, wore a size 0, or in jeans very thin like size 26 Gap jeans or something like that. I would definitely never measure up.. in fact a guy I had a crush on, had one on her .. I was devastated.. I would say I was popular at the time, I had a pool in the backyard, and my identity that I showed everyone was a peppy, upbeat, loving life girl.. Though that was not really ME.. fat girl inside crying out to the world to be worthy.
I had a dysfunctional family . My cousins and everyone I knew was thin, just not me..My sister went through similar challenges, and when she moved away, she also made a new start and was thin. You see.. my perspective was only on 1 thing in my life, the pursuit of thinness.. My parents did not know this is what consumed me mostly, and that they needed to teach me differently on how to relate to food and my body. They both, grew up in downtown St.Louis, mostly poor neighborhood, with diets that were just to survive, and full of fattening type foods, that was the norm. My dad at some point had to change his diet, and I remember seeing fresh vegetables and such at his house, but that was the only exposure to good food I saw in the house.
Over the next many years, I moved to Florida, more thin model suntanned girls this time, I struggled with this, but continued my concoction of OTC weight loss pills.. not knowing I was ruining my metabolism and body. I was in my thin years, had a lot of male attention with alot of mistakes But I met a guy, got married, then …Baby.. I forgot you gain weight with babies?? I was very careful to not overindulge, my craving was peanut butter, though my pregnancy was over all the major food Holidays, T-Day, Christmas, New Years, aye aye. So I started to gain, and gain. I was starting to freak out about it, my ex-husband he mentioned my tree trunk legs, that was not a good reaction. I cryed quite awhile about that. I was gaining quite a bit of weight, and on the Dr. visit to our military healthcare, the quite small male physician told me, “You are getting too fat, and we will need to send you to a dietician” Not exactly what you want to hear while gaining this weight while pregnant, I started to eat weight watchers entrees only….drank water, watched any soda or sugary drinks. Supposedly a joyful time, was once again overshadowed by the “Fat Monster”... My next visit I had gained anotherwhopping 10 lbs, but alas..thank God, a Commander/MD/ midwife for the next visit..she started to look at all my visits, flipping back frantic, asking me questions about how I felt etc.. . She contemplated a hospital stay, I swore to her I would stay on bedrest. The damage had been done however, the baby decided he needed to make an appearance, so lucky for me he came early. I literally lost 40lbs of water and baby weight before I left the hospital. Let those numbers scare ya. Once again the birth of my son, should have been joyous, but again my weight was what was on my mind, he was only 5lbs from being early, but perfect to me, a sweet baby..but..I gained 80 lbs.
Even with moving to another city, it was winter in Chicago, a blustery difference from Florida..brrr. so no exercise activities were even attempted. I was still holding on to 40lbs. And whoops another son was born.. so now 2 children under the age of 2. Yikes…..after a year, summer came, I felt motivated to attend a Gym, and there started the Gym addiction. I actually had a trainer, he said I had the perfect physique for body building, he started to train me. My husband being threatened by my training and lost weight, was not supportive.. end of that..But beginning to my thin year. Moving again, back to Florida I felt good and motivated. Then another move to Virginia.I was OK with pictures being taken, even at the beach, however the revisit of diet pills decided to rear its ugly head. I got back on the yo-yo dieting rollercoaster. Back to size 12/14….when would it end?
I started Irish dance in 1997, I was 30 and had watched Riverdance and absolutely fell in love with it. It began, very hard, always putting myself at the end of the row, one of few BIG girls in the class, some were your true Irish looking gals, thin Red, Brunette, or Black hair, I stuck out with my Blonde locks and my big Hips. I was not graceful at it to begin, but something kicked in after a year or so, I was dancing up to 5 times a week, not really paying attention to the scale, but what dresses looked good. That was great, I could eat anything because I knew I would dance it off. Though the diet pills still were present , I really thought I still needed them, like a crutch. I actually took 1 too many one time right before a big competition, I really messed up the dance by being so amped up. We medaled in it, but didn’t get #1, as you can tell I still am beating myself up about it …I still let my weight/ plus fat or minus fat.. run my life…or ruin my life either way.
Sad days and happy days ahead from there. I divorced which I lost quite a bit of weight because of stress. . I thought, that now I was at a size and weight that was good, my life would be happy again. It was, temporary, being thin came with another price, to maintain it, to hear from people you thought didn’t judge your weight before to giving you a compliment on how great you looked NOW! That was shocking! We all need encouragement, but sliding compliments feel BAD when you still hate your own body. I hope anyone reading this, who is family or friend, never take any of this personally. My eyeglass view was only in one spectrum, how I felt about myself, not in a narcissitic way, but in a self loathing way. Fast forward… met a guy, got married again wore the dress, still not a skinny sized one. But decent enough look for pictures. I was happy, somewhat! I stumble upon a guy who loves to cook.. ruh ..roh… not the ideal match for a food hater, and eater, and self loather. Now moving back to comfortable, and eating whatever and whenever I please, because he loves me with FOOD oh now we add the Wine..
It took awhile, but here I am 10 years later, the heaviest I have ever weighed, had surgeries, sickness, bad knees, up and down the scale several times. .. AND now here we are..entering a contest name the Biggest Loser.. yep I’m a big loser, and gainer, and loser, and gainer. That’s ME! I love when people try to give advice about this to me, if they only knew I have a bookcase full of ideas,diets accumulated over the years, and have read and retained the material.I may not look like it, but I know ALOT of nutrition and fitness information, I have DVD’s, motivation CD’syou name it. My book shelf makes it look like I might be a trainer.
The book that I did not read was of: Loving your body no matter it’s size, taking care of it at ALL costs. Not letting others dictate your meals, or goals. Don’t give up on YOU! I am a woman of faith, and you would think I would have applied those principles to this battle, surprisingly, NOPE.. God doesn’t want to hear about my weight, he knows I misuse it, abuse it, he will not be interested. I will ask for forgiveness, but I will not ask him into this boxing ring, it is of small importance..WRONG!
Here’s the key…..Get your mind right, self talk positivity, make a plan, get accountability partners, stock the right foods, get to the Gym, start loving your body at the size it is NOW! Then pray, ask God for peace, and strength that only HE can give. You are not in a competition with anyone, only yourself, start being healthy whatever that feels like in your skin.Psalm 139:14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;your works are wonderful,I know that full well.
Start.. believing that and knowing that FULL WELL.. I have quoted that scripture so many times to people, only focusing on the beginning of it, I never applied the END of it. You can know that God loves you, because he made you fearfully and wonderfully, but do YOU really know his works(YOU) are wonderful? That sums up the problem, the root of belief, and Love of you!..
I hope you join me in this journey.. It has begun so differently for me this time. I wanted to give you my background so you know how I got here, and what I have been through. If any of you want to share your story , I would find it encouraging to hear and we can help each other.
Prayers are welcome, and I will do the same for you! Even if you don’t have a faith right now, please focus on being the BEST YOU! Come go with ME…